Hello you.

I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start over again.  

When was the last time ?

“Are you ok? You look really tired.”

I feel as though I’ve been hearing that more as of late… 

Probably because it’s true. 

I have been tired. I’ve felt drained and too full. I need an outlet and to be refilled. I need to be held and to be left alone. I need to breathe and let it all go. For the moment, anyway. 

In the chaos of the daily grind, I say very little about my own life- my personal challenges and the things that weigh heavy on my heart and mind. “Ain’t nobody got time fo dat,” as my friends would say. 

But at some point, I’m going to need to make time for that.

For now, for today, I have some situations to take care of. 

I will be home and I will stay alone. It’s funny to think about how I struggled to get out of the horrendous relationshit for nearly 8 years, and that’s where I return to find comfort and rest.

What will I need most upon my return? 

To laugh. 

Read, Reflect, Relate. Remembered, Reminded, Remain for good.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 26 years, it’s that the human heart doesn’t mend in a linear pattern.

When you break a bone, you’re subjected to some X-Rays and then the doctor will determine your course of recovery. Maybe it’s a cast, followed by some physical therapy and rest. If you follow the doctor’s orders, you’ll be sure to find yourself and your bones okay again.

The heart isn’t like that.
You see, the heart is composed of a peculiar kind of muscle memory and it will react and contract to the simplest of stimuli, stimuli you weren’t immediately aware you had association with. The catalyst could be pieces of your broken heart wedged between the letters of a street sign, a sign that marks where you first realized you were falling in love with the person in the passenger’s seat, which now finds itself vacant. It could be something as cliche as a song on the radio, it could be that godforsaken Facebook post from mutual friends where you see them, smiling and happy, even though you’re no longer in that picture or the pictures to come.
And it’s going to hurt like hell.
And when it’s hurting like hell, you’re going to feel a range of emotions that I can’t predict. I don’t know you, but I do know myself and I know that as humans our experiences tend to overlap so let me project here a little bit.
You’re going to feel like you’ve failed. You’re going to feel like this sadness or anger or jealousy you’re experiencing is no longer valid because the other person is no longer in your life. That you’ve lost and they’ve won because you’re still feeling. And just like that, you’re a few steps backward or to the left or to the right. It is not going to be a straight shot to healed. So then you start trying to comfort yourself. That maybe they miss you, too. That it’s scientific fact that life looks better on Instagram. They’re not really that happy. They’re just pretending like the rest of us.
But here’s a difficult possibility to consider: they are actually that happy. They don’t miss you, not even slightly. They have moved on. Most of their pictures don’t have a veil on them. Their life at that moment is indeed that perfect.
Keep with me, though, and consider the upside: that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve happiness, too. Their great life doesn’t mean you don’t get a great life. Their second shot doesn’t mean you don’t get a second shot or a third shot. They’re just at a different point in their journey, that’s seriously it. It’s no great symbol of how much you suck. It’s just a different life.
I don’t know how the heart becomes free and better and light again; sometimes, I don’t think it ever does, not fully. And that’s okay. Maybe it’s just a sign that you put your entire being into something and it didn’t work out. Maybe the exhaustion we have leftover from the effort we expended is the only remaining particle of a boy who didn’t love us back. Of a boy who did love us back, but life happened. Of a friend who couldn’t be there. And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be left with the knowledge that my sadness is the result of a faulty heart that gave its all than feel nothing.
Bottom line: Your heart will not mend in a linear pattern. Your heart will take the backroads to recovery, it will stop and it will take other detours. Sometimes it will hurt and feel light again in the same day and sometimes it will take a little longer. Even though our hearts are never exactly full again, they can love again. They can be happy again. And they can be healed. 

Mindset

Sometimes, I start to wonder that maybe I should try a little harder to be dateable and be more inclined to find a boyfriend. After all, there’s nothing wrong with companionship and intimacy and all that. But I’ve also realized this: I have way bigger things to become than someone’s girlfriend.

• I want to be a writer. A real writer, one that not only gets paid for my words, but also brings light to things that people may not have seen before. I want to share my story and hope that someday it might help someone else tell their own, or at least feel more comfortable in their own skin.
• I want to be someone who helps those who need it the most. I want to work hard enough to support myself, but also have enough to contribute to the causes I care deeply about. I want to volunteer at animal shelters and be someone who takes the homeless out to breakfast and really listens to what it is they have to say.
• I want to be the best friend I can be to the people I’m fortunate enough that put up with me on a daily basis. I want to help them through their toughest moments and also be there to celebrate their victories, both big and small.
• I want to be someone my family is proud of as their daughter, granddaughter, sister, cousin, or niece. I didn’t pick my family, but I got damn lucky with the people I was given and I want to be someone who recognizes this every single day.
• I only get one lifetime to become all of these things I want to be, and becoming someone’s girlfriend isn’t going to give me the motivation, talent, or time to do so. All I have is me and I really hope me is enough

 

I think I will be. 

I CAN and I WILL BE.

 

It’s never too late to start over.

If you weren’t happy with yesterday, try something different today.
Don’t stay stuck.
Do better.

 
  
    

  
  Finally after so many years, I havedecided to let it go.
Unbelieveable that I have the courage to chop off my Rapunzeul hair off to BOB.

I’m loving it.

Thank you Carol for the amazing cut. (:

Aside from being a little mentally ill, she’s pretty normal.

“I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me… but it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life… You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry… you will someday.”

 

 

The Shawshank Redemption

“Get busy living, or get busy dying.”

Exact thoughts

“The truth! You want the truth? You can’t HANDLE the truth!” — A Few Good Men

Declutter

Get rid of what is weighing you down.
When you let go, you get the freedom to live your life happily. If you think about it, your life is just too short. And if you want it to be meaningful, you do everything you can to give and receive joy every single moment.
We sometimes get so fixated on some sort of want and desire that we become desperate and start to mentally beat ourselves up. We get so attached to the idea of doing something that we think will make us better. But realize that your goals and dreams are able to change. That is what is so wonderful about them. They belong to you. And realize that they change with you. We can’t just expect things out of life, we need to go with the flow and realize that unanticipated changes occur and we need to take each day as it comes.
Although letting go of a dream might be painful at first, realize that everything will eventually fall into place. You need to trust that. So when you do let go, you are letting go of unnecessary stress and releasing it away from your life forever. Now, your future is filled with excitement and openness of the unknown of what is yet to come.
When you are attached, it makes you suffer. It will eventually force you into self-doubt and misery. You are tied down. But by letting go, you release yourself and are free.
  

What’s in my mind..

If you want something, you need to go and get it.
I don’t care where you came from, the size of your bank account or whether you sit or stand when you use the restroom. All that matters is your passion and hustle. That’s it.